I WOULD DIE FOR YOU
Friends, I have good news.
Late last night, the first draft of my new book went in to my editor, Emma Lollipop. I can’t tell you how much I love this story.
And today, as I mentioned before, is my birthday. To those of you who sent in birthday wishes, thank you very much! Oscar Gingersnort decided to be slick and British and hop on a Virgin Atlantic flight to come over and assist in the celebration. Just wait until he gets here and sees all the dirty snow and ice that’s covering the city. He will be all “Wot? Wot? Wot?”
Speaking of Virgin Atlantic . . . this takes me nicely to my point for today.
I have a myspace page. To be honest, I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to be doing with it half the time, or what it’s supposed to do for me. There’s a section called “Who I’d Like To Meet.” So I wrote that I wanted to meet you (readers), people from Virgin Atlantic airlines, and that most sisterly of the Scissor Sisters, Ana Matronic.
And guess what? People from Virgin Atlantic got in touch with me!
“Who knew?” I said to myself. “I could be using this whole internets thing to make more of my wishes come true.”
And I do have a wish. I would really like to play a dead body on Law and Order.
I don’t know why I want this, but it’s been a little dream of mine for years. Sometimes, you just take a shine to an idea, and there you go. A few years ago, a friend of mine who knew the casting agent heard me explain my dream, and he thought my argument was so compelling that he gave me the phone number and said I could use him as a reference. But I chickened out and threw the number away.
Oh, how I regret that decision.
But I think this is a good, possibly achievable goal for this year. I’d like to be a fake dead body before my next birthday. I want to be able to go to parties and say, “Well, I was just a dead body on Law and Order, and it was great. Really great. What a professional team that is.”
But I can only do this with your help. I am asking you to forward this post to as many people and places as you can, so that maybe in the next year the Law and Order people can read the letter below and realize what they’re missing. Of course, if I succeed, I will share all with you, right in this blog.
Can it happen? I just don’t know. Together, maybe we can do this. Please help me get my message out there.
Dear Law and Order dead body division,
You are New York’s #1 employer of fake dead bodies, and as such, I am writing to you to tell you why I am perfectly suited to your needs. Please note the points listed below. I think you’ll see at once why you need to get in touch with me.
1. I can stay very, very still. That’s half the job of writing. Ask anyone who has ever met me—I can keep my face so perfectly still, and my stare so unblinking, you might already think I was dead. But I’m not. I’m like a lizard in that sense.
2. I’m a writer, not an actress. I don’t want a SAG card. I’m not going to try to convince the director to expand my storyline. I’m not going to ask Jesse L. Martin for advice on my acting career, because I don’t have an acting career. I am purely there to be the dead body. To me, this is in and of itself a laudable goal.
3. Though I am not an actress, I worked in theater for several years, so I know how to behave. When you say action . . . I’m dead. I’ll stay dead until you sat “Cut!” I can follow along like a pro. No training required. You just tell me where to lie down, and watch me shine.
4. I am very low maintenance. At most, I require a hot beverage, but I’ll be more than happy to bring that along. Savings for you!
5. I’m easy to work with. I invite anyone who has worked with me to provide testimonials in the comments. (Note to friends: don’t blow it for me, guys.)
6. I think you’ll find me easily adaptable to playing many different varieties of dead body. Say you needed a deceased schoolteacher, or someone’s wife, or a mistress, or a scientist . . . or someone who was all four of those things at once! I can do that. I am fairly well educated, which means that I have mastered the smart face—the one that looks like I am paying attention and understanding everything I hear. Yet many people tell me that at times I have a simple look about me, like I might have just hopped off the short bus. I am the De Niro of stiffs. The only thing I can’t change is the fact that I am very pale white—but then, so are many dead bodies.
7. On that note, you won’t need as much makeup. More savings for you!
8. I don’t care where they find me. I’m not going to complain if I have to rest on the cold ground. That’s all part of being a dead body. The only thing I can’t work with is jellyfish. Jellyfish are a dealbreaker. But we usually don’t have too many jellyfish issues here in New York.
9. Oh, and millipedes. I’m no good with millipedes. Let’s just say that I won’t work with anything that doesn’t have a spine.
10. But even then, I could probably be convinced.
If you are the director or producer of another project requiring a dead body, you can also feel free to get in touch with me.
Sincerely,
Maureen Johnson
P.S. to Ana Matronic . . . still hoping to meet you, become BFFs.
Posted: Friday, February 16th, 2007 @ 6:56 pm
Categories: Law and Order, acting, dead bodies, hot drinks, wishes.
Subscribe to the comments feed if you like.
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
