I just got back from Disneyworld, my friends.

I was not there to ride on Space Mountain wearing Mickey ears. Oh no. I was there for a very legitimate reason: 13 Little Blue Envelopes is on the Florida Teens Read list, so I was asked to come down to the Florida Association for Media in Education conference.

(It’s called the FAME conference, which meant that the entire time, I was doing this in my head. Fame, the excellent mid-80s television show, was shown on constant repeat when I was in high school. I was absolutely obsessed with it. I wanted out of the gulag and into the High School of Performing Arts so bad, my teeth ached from it. Fame probably played no small part in my eventual going into theater/moving to New York/writing Suite Scarlett, which is about theater in New York and at least one student from that very high school.)

Here is part of an actual conversation I heard between a father and his son on the plane going down. The son was about seven, and was getting very cranky as we were getting off.

DAD: If you don’t be quiet, I’m going to kick Peter Pan when I see him. What do you think would happen then?

KID: He would fly up.

DAD: Then I’d punch him in the face.

Just before you are totally horrified, you should know that the kid laughed THE ENTIRE WAY DOWN THE JETWAY. As did I. The idea of punching Peter Pan is, well, kind of funny.

While I was there, I got to talk to lots of librarians and media specialists, which you know I love, and I went to the Crystal River High School. Many writers, when they show up to speak at places, have fancy slide shows. They are well prepared, with long, pre-written speeches that contain many salient and fascinating points that help the listeners understand literature and the role it plays in their lives.

Because I know this, the first thing I personally like to do when I walk in is LOWER EXPECTATIONS. I use the AV equipment to do exciting shadow puppet theater. I tap microphones against desks and podiums to see what sound they will make. The other day, I claimed to have written Harry Potter, The Da Vinci Code, Oliver Twist, The Secret, and À la recherche du temps perdu, all in the same talk.

Everyone in Florida was extremely tolerant of my rambling. Floridians seem like a happy bunch of people, probably because it’s always sunny and they can go to the Country Bear Jamboree anytime they like. But here’s why I can’t live there: Floridians swim a lot. And they have—and I can barely believe this is possible—given me entirely new reasons to be afraid of the water.

See, when I was a tiny mj, my Aunt Jerri had one of those little print-on-demand, put-a-child’s-name-in-a-book things made for me. My book was about a happy, banjo-playing alligator who crawled out of a creek one day and befriended MAUREEN. Only MAUREEN really understood the alligator, that he was nice and not scary, and she helped him become a major star. We went off to Hollywood in a limo, but occasionally comes back to visit MAUREEN.

Now, this story seemed implausible to me, but there were a few compelling elements. One, it had my name in it. Two, we lived on a creek. (Granted, there are no alligators in creeks in Pennsylvania, but I wasn’t exactly a zoologist when I was four.) Three, I was aware that my memory about my previous three years was shaky at best. I was constantly going around my house, looking for stuff from “when I was a baby.” I was obsessed with my own short history. It was possible that I had befriended a banjo-playing alligator and had just forgotten about it.

So, even though I was doubtful, I did hold out a certain amount of hope that it was all true. I think I even asked my parents about it. And somewhere in my head, tiny mj still wonders if her alligator friend is coming back in his limo.

This is why alligators don’t scare me. Well, until this week. I didn’t realize just how alligatory Florida is. That you can have alligators in the body of water out back, or IN YOUR YARD. Or that alligators sometimes eat waterskiers.

I don’t blame the alligators, personally. I don’t blame any animal for doing what it does. If you show up in an alligator’s pond, making all kinds of noise when he’s trying to take a nap, and you show up on two tiny sticks . . . well, of course he’s going to think that someone has brought him hors d’oeuvres. Alligators, banjo playing or otherwise, are okay by me. I just won’t go splashing in their homes. I will stay in the swimming pool, where I can plan for the zombie invasion in peace.

Obviously, I have to give you an update on the High School Musical toothbrush situation.

First of all, I did not make a video of my High School Musical toothbrush. There is a reason for this—you can only hear the music in your head! It’s really quiet! And not automatic! It took me ten minutes to figure this last one out. I kept hitting the button, and I would hear this quiet, quiet noise, but the bristles wouldn’t move. I finally stuck it in my mouth, and THEN I could hear the music. Can you believe that?

High School Musical is no Fame, I’ll tell you that much.

But there are questions to get to! I am keeping up with this ASK MJ month thing that I spontaneously declared the other day. First question!

I miss the use of pictures from old black-and-white movies in your posts. Can you start up using them again?

Why, yes I can.

Hello.

SUSPICIONS AND CONSPIRACIES

I was playing softball, you see, when I slid into a base and jammed my foot back. It was quite painful and unpleasant to say the least, and when I went to the hospital I was informed that I had a fractured bone-thing in my foot. So they slapped on a cast, told me not to step on it for 2 – 3 weeks and sent me home. Now, obviously, I am BORED OUT OF MY MIND. I can’t play softball (right when we made play-offs), and I get exactly walk around and go shopping on this glorious long weekend. (It’s Thanksgiving in Canada).

So as someone whom, I’m guessing, spends a lot of time at her desk (no offence), I was wondering if you had any ideas about how to amuse myself?

This is terrible news! But, of course, I have suggestions. I think this is an excellent opportunity for you to start spying on your neighbors.

Neighbors, as we all know, are crazy and up to no good. They should be suspected and watched. The police don’t have time to monitor them all, because NEIGHBORS ARE ALL AROUND US. We, the good people, are vastly outnumbered. When the zombies come, our neighbors will march away willingly, heads forward, offering their brains.

Even now, your neighbors are plotting against us. What is that van doing in their driveway? What is that mysterious smoke coming from their “grill”? Why are the blinds in that one room ALWAYS CLOSED?

I suggest you pick one neighbor and study them relentlessly. Make notes of their comings and goings. Pay special attention to any flicky-curtain activity–that’s often the sign of the “room of evil,” where they keep the gimp/wolverine/three-headed man-baby.

Some neighbors have no connection to the supernatural. These neighbors are almost always serial killers. Watch out for any “lawn improvements” (sudden interest in cement patios covering large parts of grass, new flowerbeds, extended driveways, gazebos). Make careful note that all people who go into the house actually come out again. If you see any tubs of industrial chemicals, plastic sheeting, abundances of shovels, or excessive use of large coolers in cold weather, immediately climb into your safety chamber under your bed (you have one of these, right?).

It is only by suspecting everyone that we can win.

Hi Maureen, I just finished 13 Little Blue Envelopes and it was amazing! However, the copy I got from my school library was damaged, and so I will never know what happened on pages 63 and 64. Is there any chance you can tell me what I missed?

I can see the work of a zombie from 500 yards. A zombie will always gravitate toward pages 63 and 64, though it won’t know why. I do, though.

Though pages 63 and 64 of 13 Little Blue Envelopes appear to be an innocent scene of Ginny talking to a ticket booth attendant and buying up tickets to Keith’s show, they are really CODED INSTRUCTIONS on what to do at the time of the invasion. I cannot put them here, because that will only let them know what we are planning.

What is your stance on vampires?

Buffy was my first insight into the vampire world. Spike, everyone’s favorite vampire (it was never Angel, let’s just admit it), played poker for kittens and had an affection for blooming onions. In Scott Westerfeld’s The Last Days, it turns out that some of the vampires are really good musicians. Many books, such as Cassie Clare’s City of Bones, show us a world of well-dressed vampires with good dancing skills. Then along came Twilight, and I saw that vampires really just want to date us and play baseball. If you’ve gotten as far as New Moon, you see Edward angsting over decorative papers and fonts and making mix tapes.

I don’t know why vampires have been trying to convince us they are scary. I mean, yes, they can kill us. But they seem to only want to do that so that they can hang out with us for the rest of time . . . and that’s just not as bad as many of the real, pressing threats out there. (See everything above about alligators, zombies, neighbors.)

Let’s say you have two suitors, a zombie and a vampire. Let’s look at some potential dates. Say you’re hungry and you ask each of them what they want to do about it.

VAMPIRE: I would take you to Outback Steakhouse. I have a selection of songs I’ve put together for us to listen to on the way over, some of my own composition. Just let me go home and put on some nicer clothes so that I am worthy of your company. I just have to wait until the sun goes down. I hope that does not interfere with your digestion.

ZOMBIE: i eat ur brane (*rips off your head*)

Okay. Let’s say that you are having a bad day and really need to talk about it. What then?

VAMPIRE: Listen, you can come to me with any of your problems. I’ve been around for hundreds of years, and I’ve seen it all. Though I may seem shallow—I’m so good-looking, after all—I actually care about you. My heart doesn’t beat, but it can feel. Let’s sit for a while and listen to some sensitive music and talk, and then maybe later we’ll go out and do something to get your mind off things. I like sports. I’m an exceptional dancer, too. Come on. Let’s go have some fun before the sun comes up!

ZOMBIE: problemz in brane. i fix. (*rips off your head*)

I know who I’m asking to the prom.

A typical date with a vampire.

CHARACTER AND BOOK QUESTIONS

A big huge asteroid that will destroy all life is coming towards Earth. Oh noez! Now, a wizard has brought all your book characters to life, and NASA says that because you are so awesome, they will build a home on the moon for you and four of your characters (the rest will live, but the ones you choose you get to live with). You get to choose two female and two male characters. Which ones do you choose? (Also, as a perk, your home on the moon is free from moon zombies.)

Okay . . . let’s see. Girls first. Clio Ford from Girl at Sea would be my first draft. Clio can handle pretty much anything you throw at her . . . and she is HARD TO KILL. That’s going to be important on the moon, because though there may be no zombies, there will undoubtedly be moonmonsters. I would also take May Gold from The Key to the Golden Firebird, because May is the most sensible character of them all. May could actually get things up and running. I mean, it will be no good if we get up there and we all forget to bring food or toothbrushes. May will bring civilization to our new colony.

Guy-wise, I’m going to go with Aidan, also from Girl At Sea, because he knows SCIENCE. That’s got to be useful on the moon. In a twist, I think my other choice would be Richard from 13 Little Blue Envelopes, because if Richard can find his way around Harrods, he can do anything.

So you’re really mad at one of your characters. Let’s fly into the world where they do exist. You were given the option to “punish them.” How would you do so? Jars of mayonaisse, brushing repeatedly with magical musical toothbrushes, more mayo, rabies?

Punishing the characters is a large part of my job. Being an author means, almost by definition, that you make up characters and then complicate their lives. That’s it, really. You make up characters and give them problem after problem after problem. It’s as Shakespeare said in King Lear, “As flies to wanton boys we are to the gods; they kill us for their sport.” Writers are the “gods” in this, and it’s always open season on characters. In fact, I spend so much gleeful time messing up my character’s lives that it’s pretty much impossible for me to be mad at them.

(You really don’t like mayo, do you?)

How long did it take you to finish each of your books?

Each one took nine months to a year, start to finish. I don’t work on them all the time, though. That includes when they’re off with editors, being editorialated.

I do not have slide shows for my presentations, largely because I have been sitting at home, torturing characters for extended periods of time.

It’s back to torturing Scarlett and Spencer for me. Keep the questions rolling in. ASK MJ month ain’t half over!

Posted: Sunday, October 14th, 2007 @ 8:54 pm
Categories: Suite Scarlett, advice, vampires, zombies.
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