What a week, my friends. I am sorry it took me so long to update. I have had not one, but TWO book deadlines, and my father had an operation. So I was trying to finish both Scarlett and Let It Snow while bouncing around between New York and Philadelphia. When it gets like this, I go into Cheese mode.

My father must be feeling better, because I was on the phone with him last night, and he was giving me tips on how to throw lit matches at people. (A hobby of his youth. Obviously, I have never tried this, but the skill may come in handy when the shuffling undead show up at the door.)

It seems in my absence, Justine Larbalestier was advertising the fact that it is ASK MJ month—and questioning my truthfulness! She says I make things up! I don’t want to have to fight Justine (largely because, like Meg Cabot, she can take me). About the questions, though, I have an announcement.

Because I have gotten a little behind in the last two weeks, and because you have written in with such top-notch questions (really, I don’t deserve you), I have decided to extend ASK MJ month for THE REST OF THE YEAR! One caveat . . . after Thanksgiving, I shift into Holiday Cheer mode and will pay special attention to Cheer-related questions. I did this last year, so I know that some of you are bursting with things you need to know about Cheer.

So, expect that I will be moving over to that mode in a few weeks. That is also when I will open the MJ Holiday Signing Workshop, which this year will feature cards from the Hopewell Hotel, the home of Suite Scarlett!

Okay. Enough of that. I have news to tell you. So, the other night, my phone started to ring and ring and ring and ring. It was Oscar, desperately trying to reach me.

“You will never guess who just showed up,” he said, when I finally answered.

“If it’s J.K. Rowling,” I replied, “toss a snack out, and when she runs for it, slam it and bolt the door.”

“It’s not J.K. Rowling,” he said, “although I did catch her out in the garden the other day, letting the air out of my neighbor’s bicycle tires.”

(Except he is British, so I guess he said tyres. Why do they persist with their strange spelling habits? They are a lovable but insane people.)

“Then who is it?” I asked.

“Free Monkey’s cousins.”

Well . . . by Ana Matronic’s sainted brassiere, you could have knocked me down. I had no idea Free Monkey had cousins! He never mentioned it.

For those of you who are wondering (quite reasonably, in my opinion) where Free Monkey has been . . . he’s still in the UK office. As I mentioned before, he got lost in transit twice during his tour, so I told him to stay put until I got there in a few weeks. He’s been drinking tea, watching Doctor Who and self-improvement shows, and working on his memoirs. And I guess he must have called his cousins or something, because two of them showed up, little bags in hand.

They are smaller than he is—they are the WEE FREE MONKEYS.

Oscar quickly took this picture of them. Either he was so excited that his hand started to shake, or he took it with his phone . . . in either case, it’s a little out of focus. But here they all are. Obviously, when I get over to England at the end of the week, I will tell you all about the new members of the family.

Free Monkey and his cousins, the WEE FREE MONKEYS, relaxing in the UK office.

I have dozens of questions piled up, all awaiting answers. I can only answer a few at a time, but now I have all year to keep taking them in and plugging away. In this last batch, I discovered that some of you are in trouble. That is UNACCEPTABLE! Let’s get to work!

HELP IS ON THE WAY

hannah said…
Hey Maureen. I have a question for you, and while I wish it could be a silly happy one, I’m all out of silly at the moment.
So my question is this. I just found out my parents are getting divorced. I’m…upset, to put it lightly. Unfortunately I’ve been sick for the past…well, since I was five really, but REALLY sick for the past three years, and when you’re sick your “friends” tend to show their true colors. So basically I have none. Right now I just need to STOP THINKING. I went to the bookstore today and got a new book, but I already finished it. I need distraction! Here are the rules: I can’t leave the house because A) I’m too weak from my cardiac condition and B) I have a head cold, because why do things halfway, right? So any suggestions? Books, movies, people to tazer….?


Thanks Maureen, and tell Free Monkey hello.

Yours,

Helpless Hannah

Hannah, this is a tough one. I told Free Monkey (and, I suppose, the Wee Free Monkeys) of your plight. He said there are no easy answers to any of this . . . but there are options and good points!

The truth is, sometimes life hands you absolute garbage. It does so unapologetically. It shows up with a bunch of TOTAL CRAP and just gives it to you, all smiles and city manners, and says, “Enjoy!” The good news is . . . many of the absolute coolest people throughout history are people who had a lot of overcome, people who got special delivery after special delivery of crap. These people get really, really good at dealing with crap and turning it into good things.

Here’s a story I like, that may feel kind of relevant. I may have mentioned this before, but I love the band Belle and Sebastian. Their lead singer/founder is a guy named Stuart Murdoch. He suffered from a disease called chronic fatigue syndrome, and wasn’t able to do anything for SEVEN YEARS. He was alone for a long time, because he couldn’t even get up, couldn’t really socialize or work or go to school. So while he was stuck in bed, he dreamt up some songs—and now, he is AN INTERNATIONAL ROCK STAR.

There are tons of stories like that.

But, I’m guessing you are thinking, “Yes, MJ, that is all well and good that you are suggesting that I, too, will become an International Rock Star when I’m 90, but what about now? What about some practical solutions?”

I hear you.

The really, really, really good news is that you have something that is relatively new in the world . . . namely, the power of the internets. Do not dismiss the power of the internets! For all the crap that is also on the internets, there is also quality. There is also a world full of friends to be made—an actual world full. This means, for example, that you could start a blog about how to deal with CRAP! Or you could make a friend in another country and start to try to learn a foreign language. You could be QUEEN of something wonderful. This is the power I would tap into.

And Free Monkey says that he is totally your friend. Once you’ve made friends with Free Monkey, you are golden.

anonymous said…
Where is my Ipod? I lost it on Friday.

Here. Simply substitute the word “iPod” for “Indian drum.” Have you looked above you to see if there is a guy in pajamas leaning out of a window? I always do this, and it is very effective.

GET TO KNOW ME

shausto-la said…
umm.. mj? whats your blood type?
just curious.

Shausto-la, I would be lying if I said that this question didn’t make me a tiny, tiny bit nervous. (Or, since you are clearly from the tribe of Westerfeld, I would say that it is nervous-making.) I don’t want to start making assumptions about people who may be of the pointy-toothed, invisible-in-mirrors persuasion, but . . .

However! My blood type is no secret. It is O, negative. You have to say it really sad like that. We Oh Nos (as we call ourselves) are universal donors, which means that in a pinch, anyone can have our blood.

You shouldn’t take that as any kind of invitation, though.

beckalicious said…
what are you going to be for halloween!?!

I think I will be doing that classic, “Writer on a deadline, stuffing candy in her face in front of the computer.” Which means that I may end up hanging out of a window by my fingertips. Which may also mean that I have the iPod asked about above.

lacey said…
If you were (hypothetically speaking) a lion tamer, do you think you would be successful at said profession? And would you work in a circus? If so, please specify which circus.

A fine, fine question. For a start, I would not work at a circus, only because many of them have patchy records in their treatment of animals. And if Sigfried and Roy have taught us nothing at all (and they may not have), it’s that our friends the Big Cats don’t necessarily like being in shows. In a hypothetical sense, though, I can tell you I would be totally excellent at this job. I have a natural affinity with cats, which is why I have one as a lawyer. Granted, C. Catso Fangola is a small Siamese who spends much of his time on his back in his favorite chair, but this is because he is in a thinking profession, and that is how he concentrates.

I promise more posting, now that some of the pressure is off. (It’s not quite off yet, but it is getting there.) Keep them coming! The ASK MJ office is OPEN. And naturally, this week, I am looking forward to some very werewolves questions.

Posted: Monday, October 29th, 2007 @ 8:13 pm
Categories: C. Catso Fangola, Justine Larbalestier, ask mj, wee free monkeys.
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