Why do I do this? Every time? Whenever I leave New York (which, when I left, was beautiful, sunny, a stunning 77 degrees (that’s 25, if you’re feeling Celsius) with a warm, fragrant breeze) . . . why do I always think it will be the same when I get to London? Exactly how stupid am I?

(Don’t answer that.)

I don’t think I’ve ever landed in England and it hasn’t been wet and kind of grey. Granted, I tend to land at 6 in the morning, but still. At best, AT BEST, there is always just a bit of moisture in the air, like you are being spit upon from a great distance. At worst, you get a day like today, when it was just pouring so much that Heathrow was actually leaking and even the English though it looked “a bit damp.” (Note to Americans: when the English say things are “a bit damp” it really means you should probably be wearing a lifejacket.)

But I encountered this rain long before I ever hit the ground. I met it up above.

On my flight, we had a Scottish pilot who came on before we took off and said, “Ah . . . hullooo, ladies and gentlemen. Aye’ve got to tell ye that we’re harid from London that there’s quite a bit of a [something, something kind of wind] tonight and we’re probably going tae be in for a wee bit of turbulence and . . .”

He kept giving us these warnings all throughout the flight. Nothing really happened until we were well out over the Atlantic, and most people were trying to sleep. I was halfway through a murder mystery Justine had given me, and something very grisly and horrible was about to happen . . . well all of a sudden everything went DING, DING, DING and the cabin crew startled hustling down the aisles with flashlights hurriedly checking that we were belted in before the mad captain came on and was being all “flight crew please take yer seats at once,” and they started RUNNING because this means “GODZILLA HAS US! HE’S GOT US! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HE IS GOING TO SHAKE THIS PLANE UNTIL WE ARE ALL SMASHED TO SAUCY BITS LIKE WE ARE IN ONE OF THOSE JAMIE OLIVER SALAD DRESSING SHAKERS!”

Now, you might think, from the many, many fears and reservations (waterslides, small carnival rides, the ocean, shallow pools, high jumps) I have that turbulence would bother me. Quite the opposite! I love it! I believe in airline technology and staying in planes, and for some reason, I approve of them shaking and getting tossed around in the wind. This satisfies my sense of logic, and apparently I am okay with fluid dynamics as long as they don’t involve water or apathetic, slightly high people strapping you in, or gloopy things with stingers.

From the way the captain sounded, I knew I was in for something special. (Also, I tend to find when the Scottish sound worried, you are probably facing something worth worrying about. Like, if a Scottish person says, “Ye maight want to have a look at yer troooosers” it probably means your pants are either missing, or on fire, or not pants at all but just a bunch of tarantulas that have clustered on your legs in a pantslike formation.)

I put down the book I was reading and reached for my iPod so that I could enjoy the turbulence to some music. Good thing too, because about a minute after I tucked the book away the plane began shaking so hard that it would have thrown it clear out of my hand. I shoved the iPod into the side of the seat and the lovely music drowned out the screams of my fellow passengers. I didn’t have time to pick out the songs I wanted, so I ended up on shuffle. It was a lucky shuffle, though, and now I know some really excellent new songs to turbulate to.

Oh sure, people were crying and small children were barfing and things started to fall—but the plane was going in so many excellent directions that it all seemed worth it. You didn’t know what was coming next. Sideways, sudden drop, vertical shake, a dip in the front . . . it was absolutely top-notch. I had been awake all night, but by the time we started circling London, I gave in to the soothing vibrations and just gave in and got a half hour of excellent sleep.

I don’t want to say it was EXACTLY like this on the plane, but it was KIND OF like this:

Oscar came to get me at Heathrow in The Very Small Car, and we drove down flooded roads to get back to the London Office. We passed a large county fair that was being held despite the weather, and I saw people in boots carrying massive umbrellas trudging toward a field to look at animals in tents.

“Does nothing stop you?” I asked Oscar.

And then when we got home and dried off and put on the kettle, we turned on the news to find that today is the annual Gloucester cheese roll. You might be wondering what that is. Well, here is last year’s:

When I saw this, the following conversation ensued.

ME: Explain cheese rolling to me.

OSCAR: No one ever catches the cheese.

ME: That is an enigmatic statement that does not explain cheese rolling.

OSCAR: Well, the competition is to roll down a hill after a big roll of cheese as quickly as possible, and whoever gets closest, wins the cheese.

ME: Roll down a hill? To get close to cheese? Get close to cheese?

OSCAR: The rolling bit is optional. You should really be running. But it is a very steep hill so it tends to be rolling, and it was very muddy today. It was a bit damp.

ME: Are you guys so hard up for cheese that you’ll chase it down a hill?

OSCAR: Well, it is a really big cheese.

ME: A really big dirty cheese.

OSCAR: It’s got covering.

ME: I think we are straying from the point, which is really that people seem to be willing to risk life and limb for more cheese than they could possibly eat.

OSCAR: Really, the ones running after the cheese are the sensible ones. It’s the ones at the bottom of the hill who are in danger. They could get hit by the cheese.

ME: I question the entire event, really. 19 people were injured this year. The winner hurt his spine. Can you explain the motivation?

OSCAR: Really big cheese?

You know, just when I think I am starting to understand the English, I encounter something like this. I work so hard to bridge the gap, the hands-across-the-water thing. I’ve even been told I get it kind of right, like in this lovely video by missxrojas, who is an actual English person. And just when I think I’ve made real progress, it’s cheese rolling day.

NOW FOR THE SCIENCE

At the end of my last post, I asked three questions:

1. Would you like long posts less frequently, or shorter posts more often?
2. Do any of you live in or near Guildford, England?
3. Do the various characters in the books remind you of anyone?

I got some surprises in the replies, but the biggest of all was for the first question. There were a lot of write-in answers, like, “longer posts more often” or “hakius every few hours.” I fully expected that most people would say “shorter posts more often.” But when I actually tallied the direct answers . . . it was 7 for shorter posts more often, and 48 for longer posts less often. In fact, many people seem to LIKE the delay.

This runs counter to everything I know about the internet! HOW EXCITING! We are doing SCIENCE here! It seems that many of you like to STORE UP long things to read during very boring periods of work or class or for whenever you’re supposed to be doing homework . . . but you don’t want TOO much. You don’t want to feel pressured. I understand completely.

So long and whenever it is! WHEW!

And NONE of you live in Guildford, though some of you live not too far. A few of you do not believe in Guildford. And your images of the characters were fascinating.

It turns out it is a good idea to ask you things! So since I will be in the UK for the next few weeks, what particular aspects of English life would you like me to study? Is there anything you need to know? If you are English, what would you like to hear about from an American perspective? I am here to serve.

PRIZES O’ THE DAY

Today’s signed book is going to missxrojas, not because she made a nice video, but because she was the actual random winner, which made me click on the link, which is how I saw it in the first place.

May’s not over yet, so I am still giving things out! It’s another book to another random commenter today!

NOTE: Many of you will wonder what I am doing out of the YA Author Mansion. It is up to you whether you believe my story. Maybe I got a pass that let me out for a short time, or perhaps I am lying and made all this up.

Posted: Tuesday, May 27th, 2008 @ 12:36 am
Categories: blogs, cheese lobster, flying, the English.
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