Go away for two weeks and what happens? ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD BREAKS.

Oh, sure it SEEMS bad.

Okay, it IS bad.

I guess I’m going to have to fire some of my staff—the guy who polishes all my doorknobs with gold dust-infused butter, the professional remote control operator, the person who sits on my sofa and gives French braids to all my guests, regardless of whether or not they want them or have enough hair for them . . . These are not the times for such luxuries. I knew it couldn’t last. But there are some really good things about the collapse of the world economy. I thought it would be good to bring them up.

Here’s one big one: in many ways it forces us to do things that we really had to do anyway. Like use less stuff. We have been wrecking the environment with all our buying and buying and buying and throwing stuff away. Reusing, swapping, and repairing will be IN! And that’s excellent!

And let’s talk about fun, because, as the old song goes, “not much money, oh but honey, ain’t we got fun!” There are LOADS of ways to have a good time without spending a cent! Here are just a few!

READING

Reading is super cheap, so that’s kind of excellent for those of us in the writing biz. Now, I know books cost money, but there are a few ways of looking at that problem.

1. Books at the library are free. Also, books are good to swap. So if you buy one book, you can swap around with a group of friends and get like TEN books for the one you swapped around! (Or whatever! I mean, just put in the number of friends you have swapping books!) Or you can do what I did in order to survive grad school—you can sit in the bookstore and read the entire book cover to cover in the coffee bar. (I called this my “Barnes and Noble scholarship plan.”) Reading . . . still the most affordable and awesome pastime.

2. Might I point out, however, that books are still excellent cheap gifts? Mine are especially cheap. Perfect for everyone on your holiday shopping list! And here’s a great tip . . . buy a book, take off the dust jacket, READ it, put the dust jacket back on, and then GIVE it to someone as a gift! They will never know, unless you get mustard on it or something. You have totally gotten both the reading and gifting experience out of it! SMART!

3. Also, if you keep visiting my blog, I tend to give books out. In fact, I have stored up a HUGE PILE of them to give out starting right after Thanksgiving as part of my annual holiday cheertacular. There you go!

AUTHOR APPEARANCES

Author appearances are usually free. We are carted around and deposited in your local bookstore where you can come and stare at us for ZERO DOLLARS and ZERO CENTS. If you want, you can come and see me read and sign and it won’t set you back a nickel! (Of course, if you were truly decent, you would at least braid my hair since I no longer have anyone to do it for me and I never learned how to braid hair. I know. It is shocking but true. I do not know how to braid my own hair.)

Where can you see me? Well, you can TALK to me this Wednesday night on the Readergirls Teen Reads Week chat. It’s at 9pm, Eastern Standard time. Or you can come and see me in person/braid my hair at the huge event I am doing in Pittsburgh with John Green on November 13th. You can read the updated Bulletins page for all the info. My Bulletins page? ALSO FREE!

THE INTERNET

During the first Depression, there was no internet. This is one of the things that will make the New Depression different. You can get tons of free entertainment online! Like my Judge Judy fan fiction!

Did you not know about my Judge Judy fan fiction?

All of my Judge Judy fan fiction is basically the same—Judge Judy listens to a case, schools someone on how to behave, and makes out with the bailiff. It’s a little formulaic, but every time I try to mix it up, people get upset. Like the time I wrote crossover High School Musical/Judge Judy fan fiction.

It was a totally awesome concept. Troy was suing Ryan, and then Sharpay made out with the bailiff . . . and then Troy had a dream sequence where he imagined the basketball court was like an ACTUAL court and Judge Judy sang a song called “From the Bench to the Basket.” It had excellent lyrics, like these:

Listen up, all you students!
I know all about jurisprudence.
And if you want to make out in my court,
gotta learn that kissin’ ain’t no sport.
Gotta learn to weave, gotta learn to duck,
gotta learn how to get down and . . .

I cut it off there and posted that as part one of the story, just to get people on tenterhooks.

It was a really exciting concept, actually—because Judy was going to scream, “Puck!!!!!!” And then this hockey puck would come flying out of nowhere! Really, nowhere, because they were in a courtroom that had turned into a basketball court that had THEN turned into an ice hockey rink! Because, hello, DREAM SEQUENCE! And Troy would have to DUCK from the PUCK, and then it would go into some extended metaphor about his relationship being “on ice.”

I guess I was just pushing it after a while with the whole courtroom-high school musical-romance-basketball-hockey mix. It just confused people. My ratings went down the tubes. Also, people seemed to think I was going somewhere totally different with it. There were complaints.

In the end, all my fans wanted more of the classic Judy gets case/yells/makes out with bailiff I had been giving them. This is the problem with being an artist—once you do something that people like, no one will let you experiment with anything new.

Anyway, I hope you like my Judge Judy fan fiction, because once the New Depression comes, I’m going to be writing a lot of it. Again . . . the cost? ZERO DOLLARS. It would help if you wrote some fan fiction of my stuff so that I had something to read while playing with my limp, loose, unbraided hair.

FIND HUGH JACKMAN

This is a super-fun game that just requires time, energy, and a desire to have some old fashioned fun! And it totally proves that you don’t have to spend major Benjamins on fancy game consoles to have a good time.

The idea behind the game is really simple: you have to find Hugh Jackman. He could be anywhere! Go look for him!

This is a really flexible game, because you can play it alone or in teams. (If you play it alone, it is called “stalking.” In teams, it is called “being a fan.”) There are also all kinds of variations I’ve heard of, like: “Find David Tennant,” “Find John Barrowman,” “Find Alan Rickman,” and “Find Katie Couric.”

The winner is obviously the one who finds Hugh Jackman. The prize? Hugh Jackman! (Or David Tennant! Or John Barrowman! Or Alan Rickman, though I think someone has already played that game . . . )

(By the way this game is totally excellent but a tiny bit illegal, so maybe you should just stick to reading or board games.)

DISCO DANCING

Disco dancing is 100% free! You can covert your room into an AWESOME DISCO in a few easy steps! First, invite all your friends over. Get as dressed up as possible (shiny materials preferred). If you do not have a disco ball, just get a mirror and call it a disco square. Have someone stand by the light switch and flick it a lot. This will be your awesome lighting. If you don’t have any disco music, you can just play it right off Youtube!

Here’s a video to start you off! Here is Abba performing Dancing Queen in 18th century costumes for the wedding of King Gustaf of Sweden!

I hope these few suggestions help take away some of the concerns you may have been having. We are all going to get through this—some of us with unbraided hair, but whatever.

Do YOU have any tips to share? Let’s hear them!

Posted: Monday, October 13th, 2008 @ 3:19 am
Categories: contributions to society, economic meltdown, fun, high school musical, hugh jackman.
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