ASK MJ: HOW TO WRITE A FINAL PAPER
Snowaeris asks: What do you suggest for those of us with very large final papers who are getting writer’s block (and procrastinating by reading BEDA Blogs)?
There is an expression, “Hunger is the best sauce.” I have a corollary: “Deadlines are the greatest inspiration.”
No great paper was ever written on a timely schedule. Forget everything the dweebs in the writing center* tell you about outlines and drafts and revisions. Forget about collecting up notes on your computer or carefully organized file cards which you lovingly arrange over the course of several weeks until they achieve a pleasing formation which you then use as the blueprint of the architecture of your prose. It makes me laugh just to write that sentence!
Great final papers are born of adrenaline and stink of desperation. Great final papers are the things you create because you don’t have quite enough time to fake your own death. Let’s go through the typical timeline of a final paper and see how YOU can achieve greatness for yourself!
WEEK ONE: Syllabus is given out. You see that, among many other books, you will be reading I, Wombat and The Hamster’s Tale. Being a dutiful and dedicated student, you immediately go to the bookstore and purchase these books. Someone is going to EARN that café coolatta today!
WEEK THREE: This is the week for reading I, Wombat and The Hamster’s Tale. Because it is still early in the semester and you are in a sporting mood, you read half of I, Wombat and all of The Hamster’s Tale. (Because it is shorter, but amazingly, you forget the ending of the book as soon as you are done . . . and the beginning . . . and a good chunk of the middle. But the important part is that you read it, right? You physically HAD IT IN YOUR HANDS and flipped through it page by page and THAT is what college is all about.)
WEEK FIVE: Final paper questions are assigned, with the idea that you now have many, many weeks to reread, research, and plan for writing. You choose this question, because of the good work you put in during week three: “Compare and contrast the themes of I, Wombat and The Hamster’s Tale. What conclusions to your draw from the differing approaches? (25 pages, 95% of your grade)”
WEEKS 6-11: It’s not 100% clear what exactly goes on in weeks six through eleven. Clearly, at some point you went to the library. You’ve been using a book called “I, Wombat: A Critical View”** as a coaster for about three weeks now. Aside from that, it’s all a haze of Youtube videos and attempts at making grilled cheese sandwiches on your overactive radiator.*** All you know is that time has passed and it’s perhaps time to think about that paper that is now due in two weeks.
WEEK 12: “I’m serious,” you say to everyone around you. “I’m getting ready to go in for the long haul. Once I get all the supplies I need, I’m going to lock myself in and I’m NOT COMING OUT until the paper is DONE! Except to go to class, of course!” You’re going to need a lot, though. Coffee, protein bars, paper, pens, ramen noodles, ginko tea, some of those vitamin waters made from the smartberry . . . Oh, yes. Yours is the room of a SERIOUS SCHOLAR!
WEEK 13
MONDAY, MORNING: You can barely move around in your room, you’re so well prepared. You have no money left to buy anything else. You’ve spent it all. But wisely. Wisely. You’re just going to class today, and coming right back and getting to work. Paper’s due on Friday. You can write it in five days. That’s four pages a day.
MONDAY, AFTERNOON: Oh no! HIJACKED! It WAS the first summer-like day of the year, so you really did have to go and get milkshakes and sit in the sun for a little while. That will only help you later. You could probably have skipped those two hours of Mario Kart, but whatever.
MONDAY, EVENING: Well, you have to EAT, too. Paper will be started right after dinner.
MONDAY, 9pm: All right. This is where it BEGINS! This is where the magic happens. You just need to grab your copy of I, Wombat and . . . Where is I, Wombat? Oh no. Moocher from building across campus BORROWED I, Wombat weeks ago. Moocher must be called. Moocher is not picking up. OFF TO LIBRARY.
MONDAY, 10pm: Library all out of copies of I, Wombat. Moocher must be tracked down on foot.
MONDAY, 11:30: Moocher has been spotted! Moocher is sitting on south lawn, blowing bubbles in the dark and playing tambourine. Moocher is not dedicated like you. Bit of a hippie. Doesn’t believe in personal property, that kind of thing.
MONDAY, 11:45: Moocher is happy to see you! Wants to blow bubbles, play tambourine with you. No time for that! You need book. Moocher is sorry. Is not sure where book is. Are you sure you won’t blow some bubbles?
TUESDAY, 1:00am: Okay, Moocher has minor point. Bubbles and tambourine combination surprisingly satisfying. But enough is enough. Maybe book can be found online.
TUESDAY, 3:30am: Book is not online.
TUESDAY, 9:30am: Why did you ever sign up for the 9:30am session of “Important Rocks of Ireland”? What were you thinking? Nevermind. Will have to find copy of I, Wombat after class.
TUESDAY, 11am: Fifteen dollars for a new copy of I, Wombat? The system is corrupt! Back to room to read until 1:30.
TUESDAY, 5pm: Okay, you didn’t read. You had lunch before your next class. Must eat. But you are definitely not going to the dining hall for dinner. You are staying in and reading.
TUESDAY, 7:30pm: It was a relatively quick trip to the dining hall, all things considered. Now reading . . .
TUESDAY, 10:30pm: What the hell IS this book?
TUESDAY, 11:30pm: Feverishly consider other paper options. No, you committed weeks ago. Had to turn in slip of paper saying what your topic was, get approval. Is it too late to change? Examine class documentation minutely.
WEDNESDAY, 2:30am: It is too late to change. Also, turns out roommate HAD copy of I, Wombat. Roommate very smug. Roommate is engineering major. Never has to write a paper. Only has to build functioning robotic arm instead. SLACKER.
WEDNESDAY, 9:00am: Why did you ever sign up for 9am session of “Modern Perspectives on Modernism”? What were you thinking? Trudge, trudge, trudge off to class.
WEDNESDAY, 11am: Trudge, trudge, trudge back to room. You didn’t have enough money for a large latte. Had to get a coffee refill in someone’s borrowed eco-mug. Hope they washed it.
WEDNESDAY: 1pm: The Hamster’s Tale also insane, just slightly less so than I, Wombat. Type two paragraphs of notes that sort of sound like something. Off to “Folktale, Myth, Legend, Parable, and Story: A Cultural Perspective.”
WEDNESDAY, 3pm: Stroke of luck! Friend works at coffee bar in basement of math building. Will hook you up with leftover coffee when they close at 5. Totally worth waiting around for. Will just read in meantime, right outside, in the sun.
WEDNESDAY, 5:30pm: Okay, what is it about reading in the sun that makes you get all sleepy and dazed? Well, that doesn’t matter now, as you are the proud owner of at least two quarts of high-quality, slightly used coffee. You even got about two dozen of those fancy flavored creamers! Now, you are going to ROCK.
WEDNESDAY, 9:30pm: Oh yeah. You’ve been typing for four hours straight now. Eleven pages! Oh yeah. Oh YEAH! Maybe you should read this? No, no. Not yet. Not while you are on a roll! Time for more slightly used coffee and fancy creamer!
THURSDAY, 5:30am: Eighteen pages!!!! Everything is shaking a little bit. Confusion. Darkness. Heartbeat somewhat irregular.
THURSDAY, 9:00am: Must re-read genius work of last night.
THURSDAY, 9:30am: What the @%#^?
THURSDAY, 12:30pm: Have come to the terrifying conclusion that only perhaps three pages of last night’s frenzy are in any way usable. What happened HERE? LOCK DOOR. WRITE.
THURSDAY, 8:30pm: NO I DON’T WANT FOOD. FOOD MAKES YOU SLOW.
THURSDAY, 10pm: Nine pages. NINE PAGES?!?!?!?!
THURSDAY, 11pm: An entire HOUR wasted playing with font size, spacing, calculating the exact time the paper needs to be sent off, and reading all the fine print on the guide sheet. Back to it, NOW, NOW, NOW!!!
FRIDAY, midnight: The day of the paper has now arrived. You are halfway done. It is customary to spend at least a few minutes berating yourself on letting this happen. But this part is boring, in the same way that all graduation speeches are boring. Skip ahead to the frenzy.
4am: Uncontrollable twitching. 12 pages.
8am: Strange euphoria. 14 pages.
10:30am: Stalled at 16 pages. Bang head on desk a few times.
1:30 pm: Could it be that you’re . . . done? Well, it’s 19 and a half pages, and you sort of had to get a little crazy in that last paragraph to get it over the line, but . . . .
1:45pm: Spellcheck. Print. Stare at paper in amazement. Rub it on face.
2:05pm: Step outside into sunshine, with 55 minutes to walk paper over. Most beautiful day you have ever seen. Moocher is on front step with his bubbles. Wants you to blow some with him and do an improvised dance. Why not? Why not, INDEED?
2:35pm: People love your dancing.
3:01pm: No. No. No. No. No. No. No, you did not just blow the deadline by a minute because you were bubble dancing with the Moocher. THIS IS NOT HOW IT ENDS FOR YOU!
3:02-3:14pm: Running, running, running, running . . . knocking over slow people, crashing through tour groups, running . . .
3:15-3:25pm: After great begging, gnashing of teeth, falling on knees, actual tears, assistant accepts paper. As you leave, you hear him joke that your professor isn’t picking them up until 5 and the 3 o’clock thing was just something he did as a trick to try to get them in a little sooner so he could leave for the weekend. EVERYONE IS SO LAZY!!!!
I hope this helps.
And the winners of the autographed copies of Eternally Yours: The Unauthorized Biography of Robert Pattinson, Savior of Wayward Hamsters by my friend Isabelle Adams are:
From the Ning: Mary Hadac
From Blogger: bluebonnet21
Send in your addresses! More books will be given out later this week!
* I speak as a former dweeb of the writing center.
** This was someone else’s final paper. Final papers breed more final papers! It’s the cycle of life!
*** I wasted half a semester trying to do this. Don’t bother. No matter how crazy the heat may be in your building, you can’t make a good grilled cheese on it.
Posted: Monday, April 27th, 2009 @ 9:38 pm
Categories: BEDA, ask mj, contributions to society, services to literature.
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April 7th, 2010 at 5:35 am
this is just a little too realistic for me…i started my paper at about 9pm on sunday, stayed up all night writing it, went to class on monday and it was cancelled. i was annoyed at first but it turned out to be a good thing cause it give me a chance to make it better…after i finish reading all the BEDA blogs of course…
May 6th, 2010 at 1:11 pm
Haha this is great! So true … I have written many a paper this way…
May 6th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
No, no. This isn’t impressive unless you have two papers due on the same day… one at 10:00 am and one at 2:30 pm. And you have to start the first one at 12:00 am of the morning that it is due, and start the second one only after the first one has been handed in. Otherwise, you are giving yourself far too much time to turn out a truly magnificant product(s).
May 6th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
Okay, maybe you CAN’T make grilled cheese with a radiator… but you CAN make it with an iron! #thethingsyoulearnincollege
June 19th, 2010 at 5:08 pm
I’m only in high school, so I’ve never had to write a final paper, but this post does describe very accurately what I do whenever I have an important essay due.
Also I’m French, and I have this reaaaally important, four hours long exam in less than TWO DAYS. It counts for my baccalauréat (the big exam that we take at the end of high school) grade. They give us two weeks off before it so that we have the time to try and memorize what we studied in class during the whole year. I spent the first week sleeping, and the second week reading ALL OF mj’s blog. Now I may not know a lot about 16th century poets, but I will definitely get a good grade if the test is about SPARKLY THINGS and CHEER. And I have “also” learned to “”show” my “uniqueness” with “unnecessary” quotes”.
May 2nd, 2011 at 4:09 pm
I am actually “writing” my final papers RIGHT NOW1 And this advise MUST be READ EVERY YEAR before i can REALLY write all my PAPERS. they just DO NOT get done if THIS blog is not READ!
May 2nd, 2011 at 4:10 pm
this blog articule. NOT the WHOLE blog like EVERY SINGLE BLOG ARTICULE!
I HAVE TRIED AND FAILED AT THAT MY FRIEND!