I have a little tradition on Twitter. Whenever I gain 1000 new followers, I have some kind of contest and give away a prize. It’s a way of saying thank you and having some FUN. Yesterday, I had such a contest. I invited people to submit CRAPFTS.

A CRAPFT is a craft which is crap. The ideal crapft has been made with true, blind, joyous incompetence. Haste, confusion, lack of proper tools . . . these are all the makings of a great crapft. You can make crapfts while you are goofing off at work or school. Crapfts avoid that cardinal sin: pride. Therefore, crapfts are very MORAL. Also, crapfts are a great way of demonstrating that life is not a meritocracy. The brightest bulbs aren’t always the ones chosen to go in the light, my friends. Why not celebrate this fact?

I had many exceptional crapfts come in. I wish I could show them all. But I had to choose just a few. So here you are–a showcase of great crapfts.

From @murgatroid1, a crapft that almost didn’t make it in because it was kind of too good. The description was, “This counts as a crapft because I folded it. Folding is crafty.” And therein lies the problem–folding IS crafty. But I loved this so much I kind of want a giant poster of it for my house. Honorable mention for being ACTUAL ART.

Now, this is more like it, this entry from @shotgunempire. He (I think he is a he) writes, “I made a go kart racer out of tissue boxes, got bored very quickly.” Look at the result:

He’s done nothing! This is exactly the right kind of spirit! This would probably have won first place if he’s just made a very slight, very poor effort at making it look even remotely go kart like, because a really pathetic effort is actually worse. This borders on “found art,” and is therefore just a little too good to win first place. But excellent effort.

@pipsipirate has contributed this, called simply, “Juan.” It gets points because they put a mustache on a cactus.

Again, I see too many signs of quality here to make it the winner, but again, it has a mustache on a cactus.

@fernandavalenti gave me this, along with the message, “The Fernandaminator 2.0, as mean as it gets!” What’s nice about this is that I really have no idea what’s going on. Confusion is a wonderful quality is a crapft. A top notch crapft makes you ask questions like, “Is this a plate, or is it a sweater?” I look at this and wonder, “Why does this toy car-thing have a gaping hellmouth?” It lost points because I suspect too much time went into it, but a very good effort.

Now, @OSUBrit has contributed something very special with this:

The caption is, “A castle fit for a princess.” Just look at the mastery here. See the computer book from the library propped up on the clothespins and the laptop, just high enough to shelter the totally incongruous Disney princess. A great crapft suggests that either very small children or drunk people are nearby. This crapft suggests both. This ranked very highly, but there was one crapft that really caught the judges’* attention. I think you’ll agree that this entry by @AmandaH56 truly excels.

“An unfinished stuffed panda. The unfinished part is what makes it cute. Not really.” This, is what crapfting is about. The attempt is made. The attempt is forgotten. The result is bone-chillingly creepy. Could you give this to a child? No, you could not. Is it the largeness of the face? The rough stitching? The eerie, balloon-like quality of the head? The ambiguity of the expression? The weird tail thing? It is all these things and more.

Amanda, I salute you. Please send me your name and full address to receive your AWARD.

If there are any other issues you wish me to address in future posts . . . please, as ever, leave them in the COMMENTS.

* Just me. But I gave it a plural apostrophe to make it more exciting.

Posted: Thursday, September 2nd, 2010 @ 2:46 pm
Categories: advice.
Subscribe to the comments feed if you like. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.