ADVERTISEMENTS FOR MYSELF
Today is a big day for me, Twitter. Well, tomorrow is a big day . . . I am getting ahead of myself. Let us assume that by “today” I mean “tomorrow,” unless you are reading this at SOME FUTURE TIME, in which case you should read “April 26, 2011″ for “today.” That should clear things up. Anyway, today (tomorrow, or April 26, 2011) is (was) a big day for me because it marks the release of The Last Little Blue Envelope. It’s been a mighty SIX YEARS since the release of 13 Little Blue Envelopes. For SIX YEARS I’ve been sitting on the rest of the story. And now, all can be revealed.
This is the BACKGROUND of today’s post. See, anyone who has ever encountered me online at all knows I spend a lot of time on Twitter. It’s where I live. And just this morning, I got this tweet: “@ItsBenCracknell I once got your Tweets sent to my phone. Then it crashed due to the sheer velocity and abundance of them.”
I was utterly delighted by this! This is exactly the kind of thing I hope to accomplish! Now, here’s how this ties in with the release of The Last Little Blue Envelope. See, when you write a book, you have to write this CUTE LITTLE BIOS about yourself. Which I hate. I hate, hate, hate writing bios. I will walk a mile in tight shoes to avoid writing a few sentences about myself. And it’s not that I have some INHERENT SELF LOATHING or anything, it’s just . . . it’s WEIRD talking about yourself. It’s WEIRD listing what you’ve done. It’s weird trying to make a tiny paragraph about yourself to slap on things. It is for me, anyway.
So I got this tweet this morning, and I thought . . . that is EXACTLY what I want my bio to be like. So I went to my thinking place and had a little think.
My thinking place.
It occurred to me that the solution to this problem was quite simple: SOMEONE ELSE SHOULD WRITE MY BIO! If not my bio, then my tagline. My little branding statement (ho ho ho!) to the world. So I asked for some entries.
The entries were fine. Very fine indeed. So fine that I plan on including them in my site. But I have to give away one copy of The Last Little Blue Envelope to the person with the WINNING tagline, and for that, I need your help again. I need you to vote in the comments for YOUR FAVORITE.
Here we go:
1. RealMattTrotter Feast your eye tongues on the Twitter vomit of @maureenjohnson; the last thing your face holes will consume before you joyplode.
2. lizczukas @maureenjohnson: The Kim-Jong Il of Twitter
3. Samisemicolon I used to be normal. Then I hit follow.
4. FlagHag Maureen is the kind of person who jokes about doing normal things and then seriously eats rocks.
5. K_TinaTheAlien @maureenjohnson is like a person who walks into the wrong room, but stays to chat anyway.
6. RobinReads Maureen Johnson, like that crazy friend you had in middle school, only creepier.
7. chrisblackett @maureenjohnson: Because the men in white coats don’t catch them all.
8. TheShowerCiara @maureenjohnson: The YA version of Sweeney Todd.
9. vtraddict Many authors use Twitter to connect with fans. Maureen uses it to beat them into submission.
10. maryalicecfan Most people understand when they’ve reached the point of obsessive tweeting. Maureen does not.
11. MattyDaily Maureen Johnson: Named number one person to follow on Twitter. By people who can’t possibly have read her Tweets.
12. vtraddict If you only follow one person on Twitter, Maureen will make you think you’re following a hundred.
13. jsherr @maureenjohnson: Does for Young Adult fiction what Mad Men does for smoking and infidelity.
There you go. Thirteen EXCELLENT entries! Vote now! The winner will be announced tomorrow at NOON!
ALSO . . . I’ll be doing a LIVE BROADCAST tomorrow with LIBBA BRAY from 1:30-2:30 EST right HERE.
* Someone out there is going to point out to me that Advertisements for Myself is the title of a book by Norman Mailer. This is me telling you I already know, and I did that on purpose. ON PURPOSE! I got an MFA, you know. I am full of little tricks like this, like just taking the name of a book and slapping it up in the post header. It’s what Norman Mailer would have wanted. Now, there was a man who was okay with writing his own bio.
Posted: Monday, April 25th, 2011 @ 9:16 pm
Categories: twitter, unpredictable behavior.
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April 25th, 2011 at 9:19 pm
#2 definitely #2
April 25th, 2011 at 9:19 pm
I vote for #9!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:21 pm
9!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:21 pm
#3
April 25th, 2011 at 9:21 pm
They’re all awesome but I vote #6
!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:22 pm
#3
April 25th, 2011 at 9:22 pm
#12 is absolute perfection.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:23 pm
I vote for # 4. FlagHag
“Maureen is the kind of person who jokes about doing normal things and then seriously eats rocks.”
—Truth, that.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:23 pm
2! Succinct and evocative.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:23 pm
They’re so good!
My vote is for number 5.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:23 pm
4, ’twas very hard to pick
April 25th, 2011 at 9:23 pm
12
April 25th, 2011 at 9:24 pm
12! They’re all so good though, I had serious trouble choosing. Now I see why you outsourced your decision.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:24 pm
Number 4!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:24 pm
I vote for number 4!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:25 pm
*jumps and shouts Price Is Right style* 5! Number 5! 5!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:25 pm
Number 12 is absolutely true and so my vote (and heart) goes to it.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:26 pm
I vote for #1! Except I think it should be joysplode.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:26 pm
5!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:26 pm
I vote for number 1.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:27 pm
10, definitely!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:28 pm
I like #11, though I laughed out loud at the Kim Jong Il reference in #2.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:28 pm
10!!!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:28 pm
I vote for 4!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:29 pm
#9 was excellent! Maureen definitely beats her fans into submission.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:29 pm
12!!!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:29 pm
10.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:29 pm
Oh, #3 all the way. I feel this way on a daily basis.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:29 pm
number 4. definitely number 4.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:30 pm
4.
13 is my second choice.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:30 pm
13. Hands-down, 13.
And I’ve never ever SEEN Mad Men…
April 25th, 2011 at 9:30 pm
I can’t decide between 7, 9, and 12. I am *ZERO* help, I know. Sorry ’bout that.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:32 pm
9!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:32 pm
6 sounds like my best friend who is also a follower. Therefore, 6!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:33 pm
13!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:33 pm
I vote for #11
April 25th, 2011 at 9:35 pm
5!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:35 pm
9!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:35 pm
12, though 9 is a very close second. These are fantastic!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:37 pm
12. I also really like 9, but 12 gets my vote.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:37 pm
#4!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:38 pm
Based on the @ reply I got from Maureen a few days ago, I’m going to go with #9…
April 25th, 2011 at 9:38 pm
4!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:41 pm
hhhmmm… tough choice… I am going to have to go for number 4.
yummm…. rocks.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:41 pm
Well, I quite like number five, provided that ‘like’ is elided; I feel you are that person.
But twelve is an excellent turn of phrase, and very fondly ribbing. Thirteen just makes my sides hurt.
So I must cast my lot with these last two.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:41 pm
5
April 25th, 2011 at 9:41 pm
12!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:42 pm
4.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:42 pm
Waffling between 4 and 5. Gonna go with…5, yeah, 5. Lots of good entries!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:43 pm
#4 or #7!!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:44 pm
12!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:44 pm
#7
It’s just… so true…
Although I think #4 comes in close second.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:45 pm
#9! It’s so gloriously true.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:47 pm
I’m going to go with number 14.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:49 pm
10!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:49 pm
Ohhhhhhhh …. #7. No. #9. Or maybe #5? No. #9. That’s the one.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:51 pm
10 is def the best
April 25th, 2011 at 9:52 pm
12.
April 25th, 2011 at 9:54 pm
5! Because I love those people!
April 25th, 2011 at 9:56 pm
Definitely 9!
April 25th, 2011 at 10:02 pm
I vote #1 or #4!
April 25th, 2011 at 10:03 pm
#4, although they are ALL true
April 25th, 2011 at 10:06 pm
9! Yes, yes, yes! ^_^
April 25th, 2011 at 10:06 pm
# 3 for sure! Samisemicolon I used to be normal. Then I hit follow.
April 25th, 2011 at 10:06 pm
Number 9.
April 25th, 2011 at 10:14 pm
#7 made me chuckle. Love it.
April 25th, 2011 at 10:18 pm
7. chrisblackett @maureenjohnson: Because the men in white coats don’t catch them all.
April 25th, 2011 at 10:20 pm
#9 for sure. Made me laugh so loud my roommate looked at me funny.
April 25th, 2011 at 10:20 pm
Number 7
April 25th, 2011 at 10:24 pm
Number 4!
April 25th, 2011 at 10:27 pm
I vote #4!
April 25th, 2011 at 10:27 pm
I vote for #1.
April 25th, 2011 at 10:29 pm
*votes for 5*
5. K_TinaTheAlien @maureenjohnson is like a person who walks into the wrong room, but stays to chat anyway.
April 25th, 2011 at 10:29 pm
My first choice is 6, also loved 7 and 11 and 12.
April 25th, 2011 at 10:35 pm
#4. Bios are better with rocks in them.
April 25th, 2011 at 10:36 pm
I vote for me! #2!
But if I can’t vote for myself (which would be so wrong), I think #12.
- Liz
April 25th, 2011 at 10:39 pm
#6
April 25th, 2011 at 10:42 pm
# 7. I imagine men in white coats with hand-held tracking devices scuttering around on sidewalks outside your residence, hoping to get lucky. Evade them, Maureen, and keep those tweets alive!
April 25th, 2011 at 10:44 pm
#4 for sure! :]
April 25th, 2011 at 10:44 pm
number 4!
April 25th, 2011 at 10:45 pm
NUMBER FOUR (4)!
ROCKS!:D
April 25th, 2011 at 10:47 pm
3 or 9.
Or just stick with Ben’s.
April 25th, 2011 at 10:51 pm
If I can vote for myself, then definitely #3! Otherwise I like #11. But mostly I like 3.
April 25th, 2011 at 10:51 pm
#3 is one of the greatest people I have ever met. I’m not sure if her statement is entirely accurate; I’m fairly sure that she was plenty abnormal before she followed Maureen Johnson. I mean that in the best way possible.
April 25th, 2011 at 10:54 pm
Definitely #4! Or #9. Or #… they’re all so good!
(but still #4)
April 25th, 2011 at 10:54 pm
#2 is leads an excellent pack.
April 25th, 2011 at 10:54 pm
Number 3 fo sho. I can attest to its truth
April 25th, 2011 at 10:54 pm
13!!! jsherr, so wise
April 25th, 2011 at 10:56 pm
#12, but they’re all amazing!
April 25th, 2011 at 10:58 pm
#2 for sure.
April 25th, 2011 at 11:00 pm
#4, clearly.
April 25th, 2011 at 11:05 pm
#7 is definitely my favorite. Because it’s true.
April 25th, 2011 at 11:13 pm
#12!!!!!!!!
April 25th, 2011 at 11:20 pm
#3.
April 25th, 2011 at 11:23 pm
4. Absolutely, passionately, without a doubt 4.
April 25th, 2011 at 11:25 pm
4
April 25th, 2011 at 11:29 pm
#11
April 25th, 2011 at 11:30 pm
#7! (:
April 25th, 2011 at 11:38 pm
Definitely 13.
April 25th, 2011 at 11:39 pm
#4
April 25th, 2011 at 11:40 pm
5
April 25th, 2011 at 11:42 pm
#9
April 25th, 2011 at 11:43 pm
#12, please.
April 25th, 2011 at 11:45 pm
13. Definately 13.
April 25th, 2011 at 11:52 pm
I vote for 9. Definitely 9
April 25th, 2011 at 11:55 pm
either #5 or #7
April 26th, 2011 at 12:02 am
#4 is absolutely amazing and gets my vote. They were all very good though.
April 26th, 2011 at 12:12 am
I am torn between 2, 7, & 13. One of them! One of them!
April 26th, 2011 at 12:16 am
Number 4, obviously!
April 26th, 2011 at 12:23 am
#4!
April 26th, 2011 at 12:38 am
I’m going to go with #4. Although, 7 has an air of frightening truth.
April 26th, 2011 at 1:06 am
NUMBER FOUR.
April 26th, 2011 at 1:18 am
9
April 26th, 2011 at 1:32 am
3.
April 26th, 2011 at 1:58 am
12!
April 26th, 2011 at 2:08 am
Number 9
April 26th, 2011 at 2:38 am
2, because you have the same birthday.
April 26th, 2011 at 4:06 am
#4!
April 26th, 2011 at 4:38 am
Number 5!
April 26th, 2011 at 5:22 am
Number 4!
April 26th, 2011 at 5:27 am
#7!!!
April 26th, 2011 at 5:39 am
#2 please.
April 26th, 2011 at 5:54 am
NUMBER 8!!!!!!!!!
April 26th, 2011 at 6:19 am
#4
though all of the are hilarious
April 26th, 2011 at 6:26 am
#11…I don’t twitter, so it would just be right to vote for that one! LOL!
April 26th, 2011 at 6:35 am
4
It made me laugh out loud.
April 26th, 2011 at 6:38 am
I was stuck between 2 and 4…but my vote is for number 4!
April 26th, 2011 at 6:48 am
10!! 10 10 10 10!!!!
April 26th, 2011 at 7:22 am
4
April 26th, 2011 at 7:29 am
Number nine made me snort. So yeah. That.
April 26th, 2011 at 7:40 am
#9!
I vote for numero 9
April 26th, 2011 at 7:44 am
It was hard to pick between 4 and 5, but I think I have to go with 5.
April 26th, 2011 at 8:12 am
#10
April 26th, 2011 at 8:12 am
# 7…she’s the one that got away
April 26th, 2011 at 8:42 am
#7.
April 26th, 2011 at 9:16 am
I say #1. but it was REALLY hard to choose just one. my favorites were 1, 4, 7, and 9
April 26th, 2011 at 9:17 am
#3
April 26th, 2011 at 9:26 am
#7
April 26th, 2011 at 9:28 am
# 7 for sure!
April 26th, 2011 at 9:39 am
I like #7 the most, but they’re all good. And CONGRATS on today.
April 26th, 2011 at 9:40 am
So many good ones! Ahhhhh I think I’ll go with 3.
April 26th, 2011 at 9:49 am
Obviously #7!
April 26th, 2011 at 10:03 am
7 and 9 are my favorites.
April 26th, 2011 at 11:53 am
4! No question, 4!
April 26th, 2011 at 12:01 pm
5. K_TinaTheAlien @maureenjohnson is like a person who walks into the wrong room, but stays to chat anyway.
YES!
April 26th, 2011 at 12:21 pm
Number 4 made me laugh the loudest for some reason, so 4 it is.
April 26th, 2011 at 12:59 pm
I say 6.
April 26th, 2011 at 3:33 pm
#4, definitely. Rocks. Yum.
April 26th, 2011 at 4:14 pm
7!
April 26th, 2011 at 4:45 pm
12 for sure!
April 26th, 2011 at 5:16 pm
7!!! But they’re all hilarious!
April 26th, 2011 at 5:38 pm
I vote #5!
April 26th, 2011 at 5:45 pm
#4. Man, that was a hard decision.
April 26th, 2011 at 6:12 pm
#4. if 4 doesn’t win, there is no justice in this world.
April 26th, 2011 at 6:18 pm
#12 gets my vote
April 26th, 2011 at 6:20 pm
#4!
April 26th, 2011 at 7:24 pm
#10 definitely
April 26th, 2011 at 7:29 pm
I like all of them, but I choose number 9 =D (I love this one!)
April 26th, 2011 at 9:25 pm
hahahahahahahaha all are so jokes…but im gonna go with 7
April 26th, 2011 at 11:07 pm
1
April 27th, 2011 at 1:23 am
#4 made me laugh out loud, but I also quite like #13.
April 27th, 2011 at 3:09 am
I love #13
April 27th, 2011 at 9:57 am
Definitely #4
April 27th, 2011 at 2:55 pm
4 made me laugh. So 4
x
April 27th, 2011 at 5:52 pm
#6 definatly!
April 27th, 2011 at 6:35 pm
for anyone counting at comment 145 the tally was
1 5
2 7
3 10
4 41
5 11
6 5
7 16
8 1
9 20
10 7
11 5
12 19
13 7
April 28th, 2011 at 3:03 pm
3 (with 7 a close second…)
April 29th, 2011 at 7:07 pm
FOUR
April 30th, 2011 at 9:07 am
Just one? I was gonna go 12, 13 and 7.
April 30th, 2011 at 12:19 pm
#5
April 30th, 2011 at 4:16 pm
Number four!
Number five is a close second for me.
May 3rd, 2011 at 3:02 pm
I vote for #4!
May 4th, 2011 at 10:01 am
Number Three: ‘I used to be normal. Then I hit follow’ >> This is true.
May 4th, 2011 at 8:11 pm
Absolutely definitely for certain #1. I don’t understand how there can be any competition at all when the first thing that you read is so full of wonderfulness. In fact, #1 is so cool that I just about joyploded when I read it.
May 5th, 2011 at 5:30 pm
I like 5! Unconnectedly (except that it means voting is over), today is 5/5.
May 12th, 2011 at 5:13 pm
4
definitely 4
May 17th, 2011 at 4:49 pm
This is off-topic, but the filk I wrote based on your #homophobiaisover hashtag/movement may have been hard to follow on Twitter, so here it is in full (sung to the tune of “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John Lennon and Yoko Ono):
So, it’s 2011
And what have you done?
To make homophobia over
To make bigotry done?
We’ll keep up with the struggle
Through the media and arts
We’ll spread love and acceptance
To all of their hearts
And someday we’ll beat it
Let’s hope that time’s near
Where all can come together
With love and not fear
And so it will be over
For weak and for strong
For gay folks and allies
We will say that we’ve won
It can be a victory
For all of the Earth
And also stop racism
All people have equal worth
And someday we’ll beat it
Let’s hope that time’s near
Where all can come together
With love and not fear
So, it’s 2011
And what have you done?
To make homophobia over
To make bigotry done?
We’ll keep up with the struggle
Through the media and arts
We’ll spread love and acceptance
To all of their hearts
Homophobia is over
If you want it
Homophobia is over
Now
*’2011′ should be pronouced “twenty-eleven” in the lyrics.
May 18th, 2011 at 11:28 pm
Number 5. Definitely.
May 19th, 2011 at 12:16 am
7 definitely!
May 22nd, 2011 at 9:38 pm
I just was wondering if the ipod people still get the book…cause the two weeks have been up (I think) and it was never free on itunes. So…yeah. Just wondering.
June 1st, 2011 at 5:53 pm
I was just wondering-okay i REALLY want to know- if there was another book after “Scarlett Fever”. I really like the series but, is it over?
June 1st, 2011 at 5:54 pm
I was just wondering-okay i REALLY want to know- if there was another book after “Scarlett Fever”. I really like the series but, is it over already?
June 1st, 2011 at 11:16 pm
4. FlagHag is a genius.