A NIGHT OF GOOD CHEER

It is 3:23 am, and I want to tell you why tonight is awesome. Now, it is not going to SOUND awesome at first, but bear with me.

If you have, for whatever reason, been following my exploits for the last few weeks, you will probably have noticed that I keep talking about various medical things. They are, in and of themselves, not the be-all, end-all of bad. Both need addressing. One is some surgery to remove a mass (NOT CANCER!) in my lower abdomen (a GIRLY THING). This is a pressing problem, and was supposed to happen next Tuesday. Now, for various reasons, it is not.

At the same time, two of my teeth decided that it was time to throw a tooth party. I had a root canal three weeks ago, but the pain never stopped. In fact, it got worse, and is now a 24/7 presence in my life. I was attempting to get this looked into and fixed as well when the hurricane hit, and we lost power, water, heat, gas, cell phones, landlines … basically everything. So on Tuesday, Oscar and I put some possessions in a cab (apparently one of the last cars running as now there is no gas), and headed to Libba Bray’s house in Brooklyn, where I am now.

I was given a prescription for Vicodin to help with my tooth, as the situation was getting a little out of control. I held off taking them. But yesterday, I broke down and tried one. I took the first one at 10:30. It made me a bit hilarious and loopy. Six hours later, after working, I had another one (this was the correct timing). 

This is where things get EXTRA HILARIOUS and the NIGHT OF GOOD CHEER begins.

So I took this second Vicodin and I felt even more loopy. I ate a little something. We all walked back from Robin Wasserman’s, where we had been working. I suddenly felt weird in the stomach and head. At around 6:30 or so, I went up for a little rest. I don’t know if I was awake or asleep. I was in a strange state. I came downstairs about 45 minutes later and experienced something I don’t know the medical term for, so I will just call it Body Insanity. I started shaking uncontrollably. My teeth chattered violently. I was completely cold all over. I had something that I guess was like a panic attack? I had to run outside for air, but instantly got faint.

We are getting to the awesome bit. Like a BAT OUT OF HEAVEN, Libba comes running over. She holds my hand. She gets me inside and down on the floor. She wrapped me in four blankets and talked me through what was happening. See, Libba used to be a Girl Who Did Everything and has seen every drug interaction known to man, and she saw that my body was saying NO ME GUSTA to the Vicodin. (I neither drink nor take any recreational drugs, so I think my body was like WHAT IS THIS CRAP? BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE POISON.)

Okay, so there I am. Picture this. I’m on Libba’s kitchen floor, swaddled in four blankets. My legs have been put up on the kitchen sofa. (Libba has a kitchen sofa. This is awesome.) Oscar is on the other side. Libba is holding my head up and feeding me orange juice and cheese, because apparently I needed protein to bind to the Vicodin and get it out of me. Or something. I was just like, I WILL EAT THIS CHEESE BUT I DO NOT WANT TO.

Realize also that I am HER HOUSEGUEST. For the foreseeable future. And instead of having a nice night to herself, here she is sitting on the floor and feeding me and talking to my mom (a nurse) on the phone and taking my pulse.

And I was like, “I am the best guest ever. Everyone should have me over at least once in their life or they don’t know what fun is.”

So they moved me into the living room when I could walk, and they re-swaddled me. And for two hours I watched some upside down TV and was given the occasional sip of orange juice or small piece of cheese. And then I was able to get upstairs where I slept for a few hours. Around 1:30, I woke up wondering why I had four blankets on me and my tooth hurt like a mofo, but it was over, so I was like, AWESOME! So I came downstairs and have been awake and playing Catan on my iPad and I don’t want to brag but I just got longest road TWICE, so no one can say this night is a total wash. I have my emergency second root canal (they figured out this crazy pain was from actually ANOTHER tooth and it’s this whole long story). That’s at noon, and I guess I’ll just be awake until then, but that’s cool.

Because let me tell you something. ALL OF THE GROSS, GOOPY STORIES ARE TRUE. I have friends who would put my crazy ass up for an indeterminate length of time, literally nurse me on the floor when I had body insanity and felt like I was going to die, and dismiss my claims of being the worst houseguest ever.

It’s 3:43 am. And you know, things are not IDEAL, but they are still AWESOME, because I was like, “MAN, I AM LUCKY.” Because I really am. And I wanted to tell you this so you could know how great Libba Bray is. IT DESERVES TO BE KNOWN. After tonight, I am going to get a bicycle and start selling The Diviners door to door. I would have done that BEFORE, but now I am REALLY going to do it.

She’s asleep now. I am resisting the urge to go stand over her sleeping figure and whisper “thank you” over and over. 

I guess I will play Catan until it is root canal time. (Which I am now VERY MUCH LOOKING FORWARD TO.)

PS. I just got a note from building management saying, “lol it will probably be another week or so before we get power, water, or heat. Merry Christmas.” Sorry Libba.