Sir, have you been drinking?
WHAT AN EXCELLENT QUESTION, OFFICER, AND I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOR ASKING IT. I’D ALSO LIKE TO THANK THE HIGHWAY COMMISSION FOR INSTALLING THIS FINE ROAD.
Yes, they … did a wonderful job. Can I see your license and registration, please?
I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU’D LIKE TO SEE MY LICENSE AND REGISTRATION. I COULD GET THEM OUT AND SHOW THEM TO YOU. HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
What? Yes. That’s what I just- You know what, nevermind. Can you just step out of the car for me, sir?
OF COURSE I CAN STEP OUT OF THE CAR. I’VE BEEN STEPPING OUT OF CARS FOR YEARS. I HAVE A COMPREHENSIVE FIVE POINT PLAN FOR STEPPING OUT OF THIS CAR, THE DETAILS OF WHICH CAN BE FOUND ON MY WEBSITE. GIVE IT A LOOK.
Okay, sir, I am going to need you to get the hell out of the car, license and registration in hand, now, and take a sobriety test.
HEY, LOOK, OFFICER … ATTACKING ME, MAKING THIS ABOUT ME, IS NOT GOING TO ADDRESS THE ATROCIOUS DRIVING CONDITIONS THAT AFFECT SO MANY CITIZENS OF THIS FINE NATION, ESPECIALLY UNDER THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION. DON’T MAKE SOMETHING THIS IMPORTANT INTO A PETTY PERSONAL ATTACK.
Are you getting out of the car?
I STAND BY MY RECORD OF GETTING OUT OF CARS. YOU KNOW, THIS REMINDS ME OF JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, WHEN I WAS IN SKOKIE, ILLIINOIS. I MET THIS YOUNG MAN BY THE NAME OF PETER AND HE SAID TO ME-
God damn it. Have you been Romneying me this entire time?
WELL … YES. BUT TO BE FAIR I THINK I DESERVE QUITE A BIT OF CREDIT FOR DOING IT SO WELL, CONSIDERING HOW MUCH I’VE HAD TO DRINK.