MJ: HI!!!!!!!! YOU WROTE AGAIN! We are best friends now! Anyone who writes to me twice is in the INNER CIRCLE.
As part of our [PROGRAM], [COMPANY] is working hard to generate enthusiasm about quality writing by drafting engaging, original posts for blogs like yours.
MJ: You are using words I love to hear. Original. Engaging. QUALITY. Many people—bitter, angry people—might say that hiring total strangers to write content on your own, personal site is the opposite of original. But those people are thinking small, and I think big, like you. And there is nothing more I like than a QUALITY BLOG POST. I want my posts to be like German cars—put together in a factory far, far away from me.
After reviewing your site, I’d like to suggest a topic for your readers: Some Things Children can Learn from Dr. Seuss.
MJ: Oh. I *guess* this is fine? You’re the expert—I don’t want to second-guess you, but, I don’t really write for that age group, and I think a lot of things children can learn from Dr. Seuss are pretty evident. Also, which book? Is The Lorax? I hope it is the Lorax. I always liked The Lorax, because he used to stand on a stump in his underwear and speak for the trees. And, I mean—again, I don’t want to step on your toes—isn’t this kind of a big subject? He wrote A LOT of books.
Is it okay for me to send the draft to this email address?
MJ: **** YES.
For your background, [COMPANY] makes an automated online proofreader that finds and explains grammar, spelling, and punctuation mistakes in all types of writing. Because more than 3 million users have submitted their writing to [COMPANY] for proofreading, our team has incredible insight into not only how people are writing, but also what mistakes they’re making.
MJ: It is completely correct for you to equate the number of people who submit to your service online with having a high level of expertise. Because the one thing we know for sure is that the internet is not full of idiots who will sign up for literally anything. Also, nothing provides insight like an automated proofreading program. This is why Clippy was so popular and is a beloved feature of Microsoft Word.
For some examples of past guest posts we’ve written as part of our program, check out the blogs of [SOME PEOPLE]. Please let me know when you can squeeze this post into your blog calendar.
MJ: Squeeze! You have again correctly assumed that a). I schedule blog posts b). I have so many of them that that schedule is packed tight and c). in this very tight schedule of many, many blog posts I would like to SQUEEZE stuff written by total strangers into every open space. I’ll crowbar it in if I have to. You know why? When I see a space, I like to fill it. When I hear silence, I scream. When I see a peaceful, empty landscape, I hope someone puts a strip mall in it. Like you, I think the internet should be CRAMMED TO THE MAXIMUM with anything. Literally anything.
Assuming it’s a date range that works for both of us,
MJ: Are you like, super-busy?
I’ll send you the article straight away and it’ll be yours to approve or reject. I’m looking forward to your feedback!