This is a transcript of a chat conversation I had with my friend J. Krimble (NOT HIS REAL NAME) probably six or seven or eight years ago? For some reason, my agent and friend Daphne had it as a Word file and just mailed it to me. And now, I share it with you:
ME: guess who just called me!
FRIEND: i don’t know!
ME: President Bush
FRIEND: George W. Bush?!
ME: He just made me the new head of Homeland Security!
FRIEND: oh no!
ME: I can’t believe it!
ME: I get a car, and an office.
ME: I get some aides.
ME: A big chair.
ME: And all I have to do is protect the whole country from terrorism!
FRIEND: It’s harder than you’d think
ME: I’ll be fine.
ME: I’ve already formed my first plan.
ME: It’s called: Civilian Reptile Army
FRIEND: What is it?
ME: It’s so easy. Everybody in the country gets a snake, and everyone should always have their snake with them. Then, if terrorists come, you throw your snake at them.
ME: George loves my plan.
ME: He thinks it rocks.
FRIEND: It’s insane!
ME: No it isn’t. If terrorists knew that we all had snakes, they would leave us alone.
FRIEND: You can’t be serious about giving every man, woman, and child in the country a snake!
ME: And GW likes it so much that he gave me $27 billion to do it.
ME: I am going to order the first snakes this afternoon.
ME: There’s going to be a SNAKE BOOM!
ME: Of course, they have to be scary snakes …
ME: cobras …
ME: boa constrictors
ME: South American coral snakes
ME: we’re even working on developing a red, white, and blue snake
ME: we’re calling the project: Fangs of Freedom
ME: pretty cool, huh?
FRIEND: Excuse me, I can’t talk any more. I’m moving to Canada.
ME: And the new Homeland Security Office symbol is going to have a big snake on it. A snake striking out from the center of a flag.
ME: But I was going to offer you a job!
ME: As my assistant!
FRIEND: No thanks, crazy
ME: It pays $500,000 a year …
ME: and you get a car and an office
ME: and we’d get to go out to sweet lunches
FRIEND: Oh, ok then I’m in
ME: Now, I need you to figure out how we can hand out the snakes.
FRIEND: Can we use the Post Office?
ME: Should be go door to door, or should we drop them from airplanes?
ME: Good point.
ME: We can mail them.
ME: because all of our stamps are totally free
FRIEND: Using the same list that the U.S. Census uses.
ME: nice …
ME: if you have any other good plans for fighting terrorism, just let me know
ME: I love fighting terrorism.
FRIEND: *** This user has signed off and is no longer online ***
FRIEND: *** This user has signed on and is now online ***
FRIEND: Are you scared of them now?
ME: THEY ARE LOOSE IN MY OFFICE!
FRIEND: How did you get them so fast?
ME: 200 COPPERHEADS!
ME: I ORDERED THEM OFF OF BN.COM
ME: THEY HAVE SAME-DAY DELIVERY
FRIEND: wait, wait, wait…
FRIEND: Barnes & Noble has snakes?!