CSI ZELDA

is back in Philly with Zelda again, goes to The Field Across the Street*

ME: Look girl! A whole field to yourself! A huge field!
ZELDA: Hang on I gotta lick this can in the parking lot.
ME: Zelda, LOOK. Look! Huge field! Birds! And there’s a squirrel!
ZELDA: *dimly considers field* *continues to lick can*
ME: Come on! We came all this way!
ZELDA: I suppose I can LOOK, just to APPEASE you.
ZELDA: *trots into field*
ME: It’s good, right?
ZELDA: I suppose.
MAN WITH METAL DETECTOR: *appears*
ZELDA: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK
ME: Calm down girl. I’ll take you over so you can meet the man.
ZELDA: *rumblerumbleRUMBLEgrowlbarkrumbLEBArkrUmBle*
MAN: Hello, pooch!
ZELDA: *tentative wag*
MAN: *shifts metal detector*
ZELDA: *leaps back 15 feet*
ZELDA: ARE YOU A MONSTER??
ME: Zelda, it’s just a metal detector.
ZELDA: ARE YOU A GOD?
ME: Oh. Ghostbusters reference. Nice one, girl.
ZELDA: What?
ME: Ghostbusters.
ZELDA: I’m a dog. I don’t understand movie references. BARKBARKBARKBARK
MAN: I’m totally not crazy! I’m just here metal detecting the soccer field, looking for pirate treasure. I have 15 dogs and they all have parvo! Want to smell my hat? Not the dog, you.
ZELDA: (soto voce) This is what I have been *trying* to tell you.
ME: I see what you mean. Let’s leave.
ZELDA: Hang on. Gotta dig a hole right here.
MAN: Your dog’s digging a hole! I dug a hole once, I think. Maybe for the bodies. Can’t really remember.
ME: Come ON, Zelda, we gotta be at the thing.
ZELDA: *furious digging*
MAN: One time…you’ll like this story…one time, I had a gun, and…
ME: I LEFT SOMETHING IN THE OVEN COME ON ZELDA
ME: *drags Zelda*
ZELDA: LOOK! I FOUND DIRT! Now I’m going to eat it.
ME: *lifts Zelda*
ZELDA: BUT I FOUND DIRT…
MAN: Hey, did you see another guy with a metal detector?
ME: Nope! *runs*
ZELDA: Don’t look at me. YOU’RE the one who said we had to go to the field. I was perfectly content licking the kitchen wall.
ME: *puts Zelda down*
SECOND MAN WITH METAL DETECTOR: *appears*
ZELDA: I’ll just let you handle this, shall I? There’s a suspicion of bird poop on this driveway and the only way to really test out my theory is by licking it up. I’m like CSI Zelda.
SECOND MAN: I’m much crazier than the first man!
ZELDA: *licks ground* SENDING THE RESULTS TO THE LAB. THE LAB IS MY STOMACH.
ME: And this is why we live in the city.