IT'S CHECK OUT MY JUNK O'CLOCK

This afternoon, outside our building, in the snow…

ZELDA: *sees two other dogs*

ZELDA: I gotta go talk to THOSE DOGS.

ZELDA: *pulls frantically*

ME: Calm down.

ZELDA *pulls frantically*

ME: Okay, girl, okay.

ZELDA: Have … to … go … over … there …

ZELDA *pulls frantically*

ME: *takes to other dogs*

OTHER DOGS: *wag tails*

ZELDA: *stretches out on ground in frozen puddle, displaying all the goods*

ZELDA: I JUST CHECKED MY WATCH AND IT’S CHECK OUT MY JUNK O’CLOCK. BEHOLD.

OTHER DOGS: *ARE INTERESTED*

ME: Zelda!

ZELDA: What?

ME: You are in A PUDDLE.

ZELDA: But I have to show these dogs my junk?

OTHER DOGS: *ARE INTERESTED*

ME: Girl, no. No. Get up.

ZELDA: Why? This doesn’t seem to be the kind of thing you would normally have a problem with. I have no SHAME about MY JUNK.

OTHER DOGS: *MUCH SNIFFING*

ME: That’s not what this is about.

ZELDA: I’m just trying to determine your position vis-à-vis me displaying my junk to these dogs.

OTHER DOGS: *SO MUCH SNIFFING*

ME: My problem isn’t you displaying your junk. It’s the fact that you are doing it in a puddle of freezing water on a freezing day.

ZELDA: You have a political issue with puddles, then?

ME: I don’t have a political problem with the puddles. My concern is hypothermia. And after that, the filth.

ZELDA: That last bit is totally a book title.

ME: Maybe. Just get out of the puddle.

ZELDA: brb *splays wider*

OTHER DOGS: *ALL THE SNIFFING*

ME: *lifts Zelda out of puddle*

ZELDA: But …

ME: *takes Zelda to day care*

At day care, 3 minutes later…

ME: *tells story of the junk and the puddle*

ME: And so anyway, that’s why she needs a towel.

DAYCARE: Hey, you know, we assign all the dogs here a high school personality. Want to hear what Zelda’s is?

ME: *is uncertain*

ZELDA: *wags tail at door to the dog room*

DAYCARE: She’s that cheerleader that everyone wants to get with?

ME: ಠ_ಠ

ZELDA: *wags tail at door to the dog room*

DAYCARE: But not a slutty one.

ME: ಠ_ಠ

ZELDA: *goes into dog room*

ZELDA: GOTTA GO. JUNK 2 SHOW.