THE THREE FINALISTS IN THE GRADUATION SPEECH CONTEST

Earlier this week, I posted this challenge. And you rose to this challenge. Did you ever. I was flooded with graduation speeches of INCREDIBLE QUALITY. I read (or watched) every single one. It was VERY DIFFICULT picking out three finalists. But I had to choose.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO SUBMITTED. I ENJOYED ALL OF THEM.

But now, I present three for your consideration. I will accept comments and commentary on Twitter in order to choose the WINNER. 

ENTRY #1, BY WILSJ027

As I stand in front of you today I would like to remind you of food. Food Glorious food like the song Charles Dickens, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Charles Darwin wrote together and to remind you what University means for you. Breakfast! That is what your experience has been, the breaking of the fast of your life of education, with yet more education. And this has been your fast break into life. So fast that if you are not careful you will find yourself splattering out into the world dislodging into lots of lumps like human bake beans.

Life is like the breakfast platter. You must determine who you are as each item of the breakfast determines what it is.

Are you an egg? Are you fried, boiled, poached, scrambled, sunny sided up?  Are you crunchy bacon, sizzling sausages, white pudding, black pudding, porridge pudding or MYSTERY PUDDING BREAKFAST?

Will you become the frying panned, the grilled, the saucepanned, the microwaved?

If you are unlucky you will become a kipper and then you will be split from tail to head, gutted, salted, pickled and cold smoked. BUT HAVE NO FEAR for you do not have a tail.

Winston Churchill, Edgar J. Hoover, the Dalai Lama they all eat or eated breakfast.

So did other horrible people but THEY DO NOT COUNT because they are not you.

Audrey Hepburn, Cleopatra, Boudica they also ated breakfast. J.F.K ated breakfast, in fact he even invented the Brunch, well probably, maybe, someone did for certain and Kennedy invented, like, everything. Shakespeare invented bacon after writing Hamlet. St Benedict invented eggs. Ronnie Barker invented porridge. REMEMBER it is the greatest honour from the wisest council of elders to be asked to create a meal.

And Sylvia Plath!

Not only did she eat breakfast but she made breakfast and that is what she is remembered for. She may have been a famous poet, married to a poet laureate but as her best friend Ariel Mermaid, star of hit Disney film said ‘it was plathy’s breakfast that I was friends with her, man that gal could toss pancakes’

She may have stuck her head in the oven but she cleaned the kitchen and made breakfast for her children first! And that it what you should do with your life, make the breakfast! Not the rest but at least that it what her children will remember of that morning, the breakfast!

There is a great quote from the Grand Old Duke of York, who is the English Tsar of breakfast and the reason why we have soldiers, sailors, canons and puppeteers with our boiled eggs and he said ‘breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, dinner like a pauper, dessert like a lizard’ and you must remember this as you head out into the world having only breakfasted.

And lastly to the class of 2012 I would like you to remember that you are the breakfast and you have to make the breakfast!  Enjoy the buffet of life! I wish you luck on your long road of mealtimes until we see each other again at Lizard time!

But shhh we must not speak of that.

ENTRY #2, BY DAVID F PORTEOUS

Pitiful humans,
I have watched you prepare, these last four years, for the war that is to come. And I am not impressed.
I, who have laid waste to worlds more ancient by far than the tarnished bauble of this [check note cards] Earth, have seen great civilizations train their young in a thousand ways. Yet none, I think will prove as inadequate as yours.
Knowing as you must that our attack shall come from the edge of space – where, even now, our mighty fleet assembles – you must surely realise that your science, your engineering, your mathematics are woeful by comparison to ours. Your study of the history of art seems pointless; almost a parody of reason.
Your art we shall burn – except for the items you have already burned as artistic statements – these we shall reassemble using advanced technology and put on display. You shall all be made to see these displays. Tickets will be expensive. And the lines shall be long.
Only your swim team seems prepared for the psychological warfare we shall unleash on you, when our timed-release penis-shrinking drugs kick-in, just before the Fourth of July weekend.
You believe that because you have endured these scant four years that your works shall be proud and that in this glorious summer the sting of death will not touch you.
You are mistaken.
We shall deprive you of all those things you hold most dear. Holiday sales at electrical goods stores, the beach, apple pie – including combination fruit pies that contain apple, really good drugs, Dancing With The Stars and almost all brand-name restaurants.
The only place left to eat will be Wendy’s – and not the good Wendy’s, the other one.
And once we have crushed your spirits, we shall install a Vichy government to rule you harshly – as is our tradition. To prevent any feelings of sympathy, this government will be made up entirely of another species. In Earth’s case, rule of the planet will be ceded to the bees, and their powerful stings shall keep you in fear, because that thing about bees only being able to sting you once and then they die? That’s bullshit. Most bees can sting you as much as they like.
And they like to do it a lot.
Also, the bees who rule you will be Africanised.
Now please stand while Danny plays your new national anthem on the kazoo.


ENTRY #3, BY KELSEY GARMAN

Thank you for that beautiful introduction, but I don’t go here.